Shock horror I’m writing another blog post.
When I decided to start sharing these posts publicly I told myself I was never going to just write something for the sake of writing it. I also wanted to always be honest in what I’m sharing, but with the hope that it might also be a little encouraging for someone reading it. Well, the thing is about that, sometimes you just don’t feel very encouraging. Or inspirational. Or positive. Or any of the other things you’d like to portray to the outside world. Sometimes you just go through a season of life kind of kicking you in the behind for a bit. And that, is where I’ve found myself for the last couple of months.
In my last post I talked about how much I loved that fresh start feeling you get in January. When you feel like you’re opening a new chapter and that this year is absolutely, positively going to be the year that all that great stuff happens for you. Because you definitely deserve it. And you’ve waiting long enough not to mention worked your ass off. Soooo this is the year right? RIGHT??
Ah if only life worked like that ...
There were a number of things that I’d thrown my energy into over the past year or so, both personally and professionally. Some that I’ve kept closely guarded, and some that I’d openly shared. Throughout the past couple of months, when I’d been hoping for all those things to nicely fall into place, what happened was completely the opposite. There were some things I felt I just couldn’t progress at all, some got harder and seemingly more impossible to achieve, and some even failed. Miserably. So here’s where I was at: feeling like a total failure and a really rubbish excuse for a twenty something “girlboss” or whatever my last hashtag was. To really enjoy my pity party I also just couldn’t help myself from looking at everyone else around me (seemingly) SMASHING it at life. Landing dream jobs, getting married, travelling the world, being blessed with incredible opportunities. Because as we all know, instagram is just the best place to turn when feeling particularly rubbish about yourself.
It peaked a couple of weeks ago when I’d pinned every bit of hope I had on this one opportunity that came my way. It was a little glimmer of light in my so far crappy 2017. Please let me get this, I asked God*, I really need a win. Please ... You know where this is going don’t you? I didn’t get the thing.
It wasn’t even that big of a deal but that almost made it worse. It’s not like I’m asking to win the lottery or win a Grammy right this second, I thought. I just needed this one little thing to go right and restore my faith in myself. I crumpled up in a little pile on my bedroom floor and just sat and cried.
(In my biopic here I’ll insert a passage of time and some emotional music. It’ll also be raining even though it was a pretty nice day to be fair.)
And then I stopped. Suddenly something in me just said, that’s enough now. Stop. Get up. Pull your shit together and get on with it. So that’s exactly what I did. Just like that I decided to draw a line under that little chapter and start over again with a fresh outlook and expectation for great things to happen. I know that’s not really great advice for anyone that might be feeling the same, and it’s not easy to pull yourself out of a rut. But if you’re trying to create a life you really love, one like I am, that’s really not easy to achieve, then the chances are every now and then you might find yourself in a pile on the floor. So why am I saying all this? I guess I just wanted to be really honest and for once not share the version of my life that I’d prefer to. As I’m growing as a writer I’m learning how to share the vulnerable, truthful parts of myself. And if I’m doing that in my songs well, I might as well just embrace it everywhere. Sometimes we could do with hearing someone else saying “Guess what, my life right now isn’t as great as my social media stream suggests. But hey, that’s OK.” So here I am, saying it.
About 10 minutes after I got myself up from my bedroom floor a friend texted me asking for some words of encouragement. I laughed at the idea I could give anyone advice in that moment. But of course I could. I repeated to her the same things I’d told myself minutes before:
“You’re doing great, you’ve got plenty of time.”
“Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, just focus on your plan.”
“No one has it together as much as they look like they do.”
I think I made my friend feel better. I think it made me feel better too, knowing that someone thought that I might be able to help them. Maybe I wasn’t so rubbish at life after all.
Fast forward a few days … that opportunity I really wanted? Turns out I got offered something even better.
Would you look at that.
And so it goes. Low to high and peak to trough. But hey, at least let’s be real about it!
If you’re reading this from a pile on your bedroom floor, or in between looking obsessively at your friend’s facebook page then I hope this resonates. More importantly I hope you don’t spend too long there. You’ve got stuff to do.
*I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my relationship with God before. It’s one I’m still figuring out, but it is very much present. I hope what I write is relate-able regardless of your beliefs though.